The One That Came First

So I decided the other night I needed a blog. Why? I don't know. I have a lot going on, a brain that just won't shut off. And there are things that I want to say but just don't have people to say it to. Or that I don't want to say it to. You know, it can't go on twitter or facebook because it's about /those/ people.

Anywho, like I said, my mind just doesn't shut off. When I try to sleep, it's the worst. That's when everything from the day, or days before, comes rushing back and everything I've wanted to say hits me. And I spend hours coming up with replies to people that will never get said.

 I think Facebook summed it up perfectly for me the other day:

Because seriously, that's what happens. Two hours of trying to fall asleep, thinking about everything that's happened this week, why I'm mad at whoever, what I didn't say, what I should say, and what I never will say. Add that with a very sick aunt, a mother who cracking because of said sick aunt, a brother who doesn't do crap about either, a cousin and uncle who are in a sort of fog that nothing is wrong with said aunt and you have one very tired, stressed 44.5 year old.

I also stress out over my health. Yes, my father died of everything under the sun because he didn't take care of himself and I refuse to let that happen to me. So I go overboard to make sure that I'm at a decent weight (and sadly, if you read online, at 5'4 at 138, I'm still considered "overweight"). So yes, I have some issues there. When I look in the mirror, I still see the girl who weighed 250 pounds. It's a hard thing to shake and I don't think people who haven't been in that place understand. My friends and boss have told me that I need to just "knock it off" and stop obsessing but if you haven't been in my shoes, can you understand? I've worked hard to lose over 100 pounds, so you think I should just toss back a cheeseburger and fries willy nilly and it's okay? It's not. I can just look at the candy dish on my desk and gain three pounds. Yes, I work out everyday but guess what, I /have/ to. I don't have a metabolism that just works perfectly. I have to work at this. And if I don't, I gain. So telling me to just lay off or don't get crazy and whatever, it doesn't work. Being conscious of my actions is what's getting to a goal. Did I flip out because over the weekend I went out of town, ate and drank like crap and gained four pounds (of yes, dear readers, water weight)? Yes, yes I did. But if I don't, then I'll think I can do that all the time and before I know, 4 becomes 10, 10 becomes 20. And you get the gist.

So yes, I have issues. Mind games I play with myself. I'm down from a size 22 to a 16. To a 12. To a 10 to an 8 now to a 6. And I want to stay there. So while I want to tell people to back the fuck off, I won't. I'll quietly nod my head and let them know that while I appreciate their concern, I know what I'm doing and I'm just fine.

Really....I am....

...or not. We'll see.